A brief breather between two serious articles. Here is an ironic guide based on my latest trip, where I observed how one can travel abroad… without ever really encountering the country.
My trip to Cambodia has come to an end. I was there with a small group of very good friends. I had gone for immersion, for the journey more than for the vacation. We obviously didn’t all share that vision. There were some frictions, and I ended up listing everything I was observing around me. So I put together a survival guide for you to never experience Cambodian reality while in the country, and to keep enjoying a dream trip by living everywhere with five times the local standard of living. Buckle up — it’s sometimes more subtle than it seems.
I. Refuse all mid-range hotels
The objective here will be to find every outrageously overpriced hotel imaginable using invented pretexts. Rather than paying 8 euros a night for a clean hotel with air conditioning and a large bed, you will prefer an 18-euro-a-night hotel equivalent to a palace, complete with pool and rooftop. This should be done at every stage of the trip. If someone mentions an affordable hotel, claim it is probably full of backpackers bringing bedbugs (as if that never happens in an affordable hotel in a developed country, but it’s important to impose your sanitized Western worldview).
Above all, once you arrive at the luxury hotel, complain about the view at the sky bar and prefer to lie down on your ultra-comfortable mattress. It’s much better than enjoying a breathtaking view over Phnom Penh. In the end, it’s not that different from Paris.
II. Avoid all street bars
With one small exception to “try the experience,” then abandon the Cambodian party scene with locals in favor of focusing exclusively on rooftops and sky bars of every kind. Ideally, the beer should cost twice the usual price, and you should find tourists and a few well-dressed locals there. The greater the absence of culture shock, the more successful you will have been in achieving your objective.
III. Bring all your social conventions with you
For someone like me who struggles with social conventions, traveling somewhere as disorienting as Cambodia is a nightmare. One could forget almost all social conventions that aren’t the same as in France. Annoying. No — the goal is to impose your worldview in order to survive the journey. So transpose all French social conventions, even the most absurd ones no one has ever heard of, into the destination country. Watch Cambodians use a dining table as a piece of furniture to place whatever they like on it. Do not do this under any circumstances, and quickly hide that lip balm (especially if it’s still packaged) that I could not possibly bear to see.
IV. Try the most expensive restaurants possible
Especially if they cost eight times the normal price. If you’re asked to walk more than 1 minute 30 to get back to your hotel under the sun, refuse — forget politeness, leave the group, and head toward a palace to enjoy an outrageously priced meal. They should be selected based on the prestige they exude: ceilings at least 20 meters high recommended, fresh paint, air conditioning, and a server on standby to pour you a glass of local wine (imported from France, of course).
V. Reject local music
As you wander through bars and restaurants, never miss an opportunity to criticize the local music. Compliments are always appreciated. “It’s too loud,” “they’re annoying with their depressing music” — let your imagination run free. With a bit of thought, you might even manage to convince the Cambodian people to question their musical tastes. So don’t hesitate.
PS: This article is a humorous breather between several heavier texts on bipolarity, written through my autistic perspective. This trip remains one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had, with every single participant, without exception.